A Brief History of My Failed Career Goals

I just had a really interesting conversation with a friend about failed idealism and how neither of us knew what we wanted to do with our lives. I don't feel at all bad about not having a life plan, but I wish I could pour myself into something the way I used to, with that conviction that I could make a difference to people.
In any case, that's not what this post is about. This post is a brief venture down memory lane, into all the things I used to think I wanted to do with my life (in roughly chronological order)...

Veterinarian Despite my love for animals, my fear of needles and complete lack of interest in medicine quickly did away with this one.

Ballerina An obviously poor choice. I don't know what my stated reason was for quitting ballet at age six, but really it was because I thought I looked silly in a leotard. I stand by that decision.

Teacher I never really wanted to be a teacher. It was going to be my day job, while I pursued my passion for something else (like being a ballerina).

Writer This one lasted a while. I was going to write novels and screenplays in French and English and live in a little flat in Paris. This may stem from the fact that I got a lot of encouragement (both offical and unofficial) as a child, and my early poetry includes such classics as "Porcupine is Running Around the Room in Underwear" and "We Eat Pizza in My Van, Dude." I think the aspirations for being a writer, or at least a poet or novelist, actually ended when I started reading real authors write about how they are passionately driven to write, and they couldn't dream of doing anything else. I could. And, as evidenced by the fruits of a year-long writing mentorship, I don't have the staying power to write stories longer than 5 pages.

Actress Every middle schooler's dream of turning into a star and being able to flippantly laugh about how unpopular and nerdy she used to be in middle school. When it became clear that no matter how decent an actress I was, I don't have the temperament and single-mindedness to be a star, and no matter how popular I got, I was not going to rise out of nerdy status, that dream fizzled.

Eco-Terrorist OK, this only really lasted one summer. But "The Monkey Wrench Gang" is a really fun book, I had just gotten dreads, and one of the leaders of my volunteer trail crew got around the country by hopping trains and dumpster diving. Also subverting the system is damn cool. Maybe this one isn't totally dead.

Director I loved, loved, loved directing the short plays I did. But "The Flies" kind of killed it for me. I realized that, while other people might be different, if I'm going to be happy with my life I've got to still have faith in what I do, even when the whole thing is falling to pieces. Directing has been a fair weather friend; I came too close to quitting and/or falling asleep from pure exhaustion during the performances of my own show to think that this is actually what I should be doing with my time.

Super Secret Assassin/Bad-Ass Employee of European Dictator I get a really hot outfit. And job security, even without robotic dreads. However the castle has not yet been built, the territory has not yet been conquered, and (more importantly) there are no business cards yet.


I'm sure there are more that have been on my list at some point or another. I am taking this not as a sign of fickleness but as a sign that I haven't been grabbed yet. But it's interesting: in high school, my friend and I used to come up with ridiculous ideal jobs for people we knew - the perfect, totally implausible job. But no matter what ideas we threw out there, we could never come up with one for me. Does that mean I'm not particularly well-suited for anything? Or have I just not stumbled upon it yet?

One thing's for sure, I've worked enough unsatisfying jobs to know that I'm not making any compromises.